Guess it's time I finally am writing a new post. I'm on and off again in my relationship. Not with a Man but with my depressions, my need to hurt me and my wish to die. The pain inside me is nowadays so strong again. I really thought I got over it. But since my last post, there has happened so much. I'll try to write it down in another post because it's important for understanding the situation. On the other hand, no one is reading this anyway, so I could handle it as if it is my private diary. It hasn't started with the Covid-19 crisis like it may have started for many people. Many people have a down now, have issues with depressions, struggling to hold up. But I am struggling since 2018. it started around in February. My work became more and more stressful and difficult and in April I've lost the original job. In Juni I then got fired. At least they were friendly packing it in the end of my temporary contract. I found a new job but was already again deep in depressions. Live wasn't fun anymore. I've lost so much of my new me, which I got during my world travel. I was feeling so unsecure, so helpless and incompetent like a child that needed someone, who takes it by the hand, leading it through until I could stand on my own feed again. As an early childhood teacher, this condition is not only impractical, it risks the professional way of working. I was stressed out, my new employer wanted me to warm up quicker than I was able to. Put a lot of pressure on me to be more independent. I got fired after just one week and two days. Because I "was aggressive and violent against a child" which was highly exaggerated. Anyway, I may write the situation down in detail some day. But not now. It isn't important for now. Now it's just important to know, that I am struggling with depressions more acutely since a way longer time, than most people at the moment. I was in a clinic for kind of a rehab. It helped but pushed me down at the same time. I realized once more, how damaged I am, how lost and ineffective I am. How unimportant and how less I'm worth to be loved. I thought it often but was working about my selfesteem. No one is perfect right? Everyone is good in something but no one is got in everything. Fair enough, but I can't find something, that I am good in, which isn't a part of the basic human being. I'm good with kids, but not as good as so many others. I'm emphatic, but I can't use it in real live, am only good in it, when I can see a situation from a distance, can help others to reflect it and may help them with some good ideas. And with time I noticed, that many people are good in this. It's so much easier to see the mistakes and problems in the situations, when you can see it subjectively from a distance and then can give a feedback without much emotional connection. At the same time, solving the problems for good is of course not as easy. People told me so often, I'm important, I'm loved, it'll get better, It'll go away, I can get through it, one day...I got told things like that, when I was 14, 15, 16, ... Now I'm turning 26 at Monday and I'm back on a low, which is comparable with one in my teenageyears. Where people said things like "Your in puberty, many teenagers become depressed, but when you get older, it'll get better." Well but I was depressed long before I got in puberty. It aproximately startet, when I was around 5 years old. I can remember, how I often wished, to don't be on this planet anymore. I doesn't want to live anymore. Though I didn't wanted to die, I also didn't exactly knew back then, that you have to die, to be gone from this planet. I just didn't wanted to be on earth any more. I wished me away in a endlessness, black nothingness, like in the space. Surrounded by darkness, nothing but darkness. All alone. The fact, that I wished me in an inhospitable surrounding like that, and even felt kind of comfortable being there in my mind, may speaks for itselfe when you're psychologist. I'm not, but I know some things about psychology and I know that this wish is more than just untypical. And Yeah I had these wishes with FIVE. You know, where I live, with five you're in your last kindergarten year, all excited to get in school, too young to realize that school is a fucking bullshit that will kind of end your childhood. Anyway, I'm starting again to talk about the past that is way to far back, than it would be interesting for anyone. Not that I think my present is kind of interesting to someone.
I'm not stupid, I've searched out all the numbers, I could call, to get "help", I had E-Mailcontact on plattforms for psychological support. I had therapy over years, I've tried natural medications, "real" medications. Now I'm on medications which "keeping me stable" which obviously works sometimes better than other times. I have always phases. Sometimes it's just a couple of hours, sometimes a day. Sometimes I feel good after that for weeks or months. But often, when I am in a phase, it goes way longer. Compared to what I had in puberty and without any medications, it's way bettet cuz I rarely am constantly thinking suicidal for days 24/7. And yeah I mean 24/7. I had phases in which I woke up, wanting to die, I were getting through the day - don't know how - thinking that I want to die, fell asleep wanting to die, sometimes even dreamt from killing myselfe. I was planning suicide, writing goodbye letters and testaments. Crying my eyes out, rarely, cuz I somehow lost the ability to truly cry on the way. I now barely can cry and if, it's over after one or two tears. Though I feel like I want to cry quite often, but I can't, it's just not working. Again when you're psychologist that may tell you something about me. But my therapists never got enlightened in any way when I told them about it. they barely got any kind of enlightenment. It always seemed like they're following the scientific way how to diagnose and treat the problems. But seems like the school book technics are not working on me. Surprise. And I don't think I'm special with that, just to clarify. I don't think I am special in any way. I'm not normal, neither am I special. What's left is nothing. Nothing is which suits me more often than anything else, especially lately. Yeah I feel like being nothing, worthless, unloved, unimportant and invisible. And if I'm not invisible, I'm annoying. Cuz ofcourse I am not all the time sitting in a corner sway back and forward. Probably I have still to much brain cells to do that hours or all day long. I'm still working, which I probably shouldn't. Especially because of the fact, that I am working with children again. But don't worrie, I can controll myselfe...most of the time, so that I don't scream at them too often. And am not grabbing children any more. To avoid that, I'm practicing myselfe in don't touching the children at all. What doesn't work always of course but which doesn't need to either. Hugging a child or having a child on the lap is pretty normal for an early childhood teacher. But I'm trying to don't take them by the hand too often or holding them by their arms. And if I took the arm of a child to pull them somewhere, I'm really aware about how strong I hold them. I'm nowadays am really careful not to grab them, just hold them, always trying to hold them as lightly as possible. Cuz only because I am fucked up, doesn't mean, I doesn't have to work on me, to don't be rough to the children. I wanted to become an early childhood teacher, cuz children made me happy, I wanted to be a better teacher as the one, I had in kindergarten. I wanted to prepare them for school, that they get through it strong. And I wanted to be there for them, when they have shitty parents. I never wanted to be rough, unfair or unfriendly with children. But newsflash. Even if you try fucking hard, you still have a higher risk to become violent against your children, when you have experienced violence in childhood than the ones, who have grown up without violence. And it seems like this doesn't stopp with just the own children. I doesn't have own children yet, don't know if I can even become pregnant (but a different story), I also doesn't have a partner, to become pregnant (also a different story) but I am aware, that when I have own children, the risk to hurt them physically is much higher and stressful situations are much more critical as in the work with children which are not your own, beeing cared for in a day care where you're not alone and where there is always the fear to make a mistake and another teacher sees it.
Well where were I originally, this wasn't what I wanted to write down. Anyway I at least can be proud on me, to say, that I am now can regulate my physical strength better and am not screaming and treating the kids the way I had in my worst times.
That never the less sounds like as if I'm a monster that shouldn't be close to any children.
Anyway, I originally wanted to write about how fucked up I am at the moment and that I am not so fucked up just because of covid-19. It may plays a role in my mood, but I am actually kind a happy with the situation, that I only needs to work every other week and then only 4 hours a day and still getting at least a part of my normal salary. And when I work, I only need to look after 3 to 6 children. Quite cool isn't it? So why am I still so fucked up? Probably it's my brain. I'm pretty sure there's something fundamental damaged, which is neccessary to be a normal thinking and feeling person. Though I had already EEG and MRT without getting told, that there's a damage.
But you never know. Probably it's just invisible or something. And yeah I know I may sound crazy and that may be because I AM crazy. I'm sick, I wouldn't say anything different, though it's hard to accept it and I sometimes neeed to convince myselfe again and again, that I am sick. I over and over again need to convince me, that it is NOT possible to just fix me. Not from myselfe neither from someone else. Even less from someone else, though I am still waiting to being fixed from someone else. Because I was damaged from others, so I am waiting to being fixed from others. Makes sense doesn't it? But it's unfortunately not that easy. You haven't thought that, if I wouldn't have wrote it right? See how clever I am 😂 I'm good in telling people the obvious things and in the end I am the one who's standing there saying "Whaaat, really?" Anyway, I got inspired writing it, after I am really into reading at the moment, where people write sometimes pretty funny nonsens and through listening to Our last Night. Which I am listening way to much to lately. Because when you're sick like me, you can interpret your own missery into so many songs in that music genre. Well anyway, my mom's asking me to watch something "really funny" in TV. Yeah I am sooo excited. I'm over and over again am forgetting, that I am actually a grown woman, who has no need to follow the directions from my mom. Well still I am sick.
