The past follows you everywhere

I thought I am over the years I was bullyed by the girls in my class. But yesterday I was watching a movie with that Topic and at the end I was crying. It was a sad movie but not that sad, that it is a reason to break down in cry like I did.
I realized once again, that I have still problems, which I just push away and ignore. So that I don't need to deal with them.
In generall that is nothing bad. But there should be one time when you take your time for it and deal with it. I think I need to come over some of my Problems and "close" them.
Till now I don't really have an Idea how to make it.
I'll see.

Information about the blog

I am a young woman with Depressions. Beside of that, I got the Diagnose of having AD(H)D when I was 5 years old.
So I had lot of learning problems in School. I got medications against ADHD because of them I had really big problems in interacting with other people. So I was much alone.
There where some familiar problems also like physical and psycal abuse.
From 5. class for two years I was bullyed.
In the same time my parents get separated and the situation between me and my mom got difficult.
In class 7 I changed the class. I found friends and felt save. But I wasn't really happy. I didn't know that I have deep depressions. I started cutting myselfe.
2008 I became a vegetarian.
With 14 I was going in a psychiatrical klinik for one month and shortly after in an other for two and a half month.
After I had ambulant therapy for in complete two years. I finnished the School and made my Education to an early childhood teacher.
Now I am traveling around the world and try to write down my past and the pressent.
In this blog I want to write about me, my life, my past, my acutall situation and the future.
I hope this informations will help to understand, what I am writing about.
Everyone who don't want to read about the psycal life from a young woman, please feel free to leave again.

About fiction and reality

Like everywhere. Soner or later one topic between us girls in the meditation center were boys.
And as always it also was about stupid boys which you can find everywhere. Like you also can find stupid girls everywhere.
In this conversation it was also about, why we would like to have a boyfriend and we all had the opinion, that we want one, beside that it is natural, out of the wrong reasons.
One of my room mates and me find out, that we want to have a boyfriend nearly out of the same (in some way really sad) reason:
We want someone, who is there for us, who love us, like we are, who gives us the feeling to be save, who take care of us physicaly and psychicaly. To hug us, cuddle us and to really know us. To be there for us, if we feel bad and to be something like a "Save haven" in the always changing and crazy world and in the life that can get often really hard.
I don't know much about the past of this girl, who wants to have a boyfriend out of the same reasons as I want.
But for me I think all this things I would like to get from a boyfriend, are in complete more the thing, you normaly get from your parents.
Because my relation to both of my parents is not normal and I right now don't have a really good friend, I wish to fill this "hole" with a boyfriend.
The question I often asked me was "is it wrong to feel like that?" I think it shouldn't be the main reason to want to get a boyfriend. But is it maybe a secret wish in every woman?
Anyway here in the meditation center and also before in Nepal I realized once again, that I should concentrate to get really good friends, who also can give me that and I also realized, that I can get some of this things from animals. From my cats, who are at home now and waiting for me. :( And who hopefuly will still love me if I will return after 9 month traveling.
And also the sweet dog from Nepal gave me love and attention. And I gave her. And then we fall in love for each other :)
I realized once more, that animals are loving in an other way than humans. They don't ask how much money you have, what job or education you have, they don't care, if you are sometimes smelling. They don't ask about your past, they don't judge you. They are happy, when you are with them and take care of them. And this includes not only food. That an animal loves you, you don't need any food. You give love, attention and gentle touches and cuddles to them, and if they trust you, they will easily start loving you.
And I realized that I am in some way like these animals. What is really bad as a human.
Falling that easily in love is really bad, because you will get hurt automaticaly all the time, even if the other person don't want that.
To be so emotional is for me not always bad. I have a big heart and I am a little fighter. I have many dreams to make situations better and to help. And all started out of something, that touched my heart.
But in the daylie lifing with other humans it is really bad.
People who are important for me, can hurt me so easylie. One Sentence, one wrong word can be enough and I am free falling. Back in depressions, feeling worthless, useless, countless. Easylie the thoughts from the past get pressent again. I will cut me, I will die and I think I am not allowed to feel that good like I do.
When I am over it again, I am always angry about myselfe to get in a stupid psycal way of thinking like that. After I feel so stupid and like a looser.
A looser of the real life, that I am unable to handle. I am unable to handle emotions and feelings. I am unable to just feel normal. My feelings for someone are often becoming easily really intensive.
If I like a person as a friend, I can easily fall in love and also feel a really intensive friendship.
Then I can easily get hurt by one of that persons.
I realize that it is something with myselfe. Because I feel so easy unimportant and worthless. In this medicationcenter there are a lot of volunteers. And sometimes if they are all in a conversation and someone else take over the conversation with the person, I was talking to, I automaticaly feel worthless and if I am less interesting like everyone else.
I try to understand, that it is normal, to sometimes just listen to a conversation and don't be integrated in it. (Well I think it's normal?) I try to acept, that not everyone needs to like me and I don't need to like everyone. I try to understand, what the difference between friends and real friends is. I try to be like a normal person, but I don't know to do it. So it is really hard.