It's time

Guess it's time I finally am writing a new post. I'm on and off again in my relationship. Not with a Man but with my depressions, my need to hurt me and my wish to die. The pain inside me is nowadays so strong again. I really thought I got over it. But since my last post, there has happened so much. I'll try to write it down in another post because it's important for understanding the situation. On the other hand, no one is reading this anyway, so I could handle it as if it is my private diary. It hasn't started with the Covid-19 crisis like it may have started for many people. Many people have a down now, have issues with depressions, struggling to hold up. But I am struggling since 2018. it started around in February. My work became more and more stressful and difficult and in April I've lost the original job. In Juni I then got fired. At least they were friendly packing it in the end of my temporary contract. I found a new job but was already again deep in depressions. Live wasn't fun anymore. I've lost so much of my new me, which I got during my world travel. I was feeling so unsecure, so helpless and incompetent like a child that needed someone, who takes it by the hand, leading it through until I could stand on my own feed again. As an early childhood teacher, this condition is not only impractical, it risks the professional way of working. I was stressed out, my new employer wanted me to warm up quicker than I was able to. Put a lot of pressure on me to be more independent. I got fired after just one week and two days. Because I "was aggressive and violent against a child" which was highly exaggerated. Anyway, I may write the situation down in detail some day. But not now. It isn't important for now. Now it's just important to know, that I am struggling with depressions more acutely since a way longer time, than most people at the moment. I was in a clinic for kind of a rehab. It helped but pushed me down at the same time. I realized once more, how damaged I am, how lost and ineffective I am. How unimportant and how less I'm worth to be loved. I thought it often but was working about my selfesteem. No one is perfect right? Everyone is good in something but no one is got in everything. Fair enough, but I can't find something, that I am good in, which isn't a part of the basic human being. I'm good with kids, but not as good as so many others. I'm emphatic, but I can't use it in real live, am only good in it, when I can see a situation from a distance, can help others to reflect it and may help them with some good ideas. And with time I noticed, that many people are good in this. It's so much easier to see the mistakes and problems in the situations, when you can see it subjectively from a distance and then can give a feedback without much emotional connection. At the same time, solving the problems for good is of course not as easy. People told me so often, I'm important, I'm loved, it'll get better, It'll go away, I can get through it, one day...I got told things like that, when I was 14, 15, 16, ... Now I'm turning 26 at Monday and I'm back on a low, which is comparable with one in my teenageyears. Where people said things like "Your in puberty, many teenagers become depressed, but when you get older, it'll get better." Well but I was depressed long before I got in puberty. It aproximately startet, when I was around 5 years old. I can remember, how I often wished, to don't be on this planet anymore. I doesn't want to live anymore. Though I didn't wanted to die, I also didn't exactly knew back then, that you have to die, to be gone from this planet. I just didn't wanted to be on earth any more. I wished me away in a endlessness, black nothingness, like in the space. Surrounded by darkness, nothing but darkness. All alone. The fact, that I wished me in an inhospitable surrounding like that, and even felt kind of comfortable being there in my mind, may speaks for itselfe when you're psychologist. I'm not, but I know some things about psychology and I know that this wish is more than just untypical. And Yeah I had these wishes with FIVE. You know, where I live, with five you're in your last kindergarten year, all excited to get in school, too young to realize that school is a fucking bullshit that will kind of end your childhood. Anyway, I'm starting again to talk about the past that is way to far back, than it would be interesting for anyone. Not that I think my present is kind of interesting to someone.
I'm not stupid, I've searched out all the numbers, I could call, to get "help", I had E-Mailcontact on plattforms for psychological support. I had therapy over years, I've tried natural medications, "real" medications. Now I'm on medications which "keeping me stable" which obviously works sometimes better than other times. I have always phases. Sometimes it's just a couple of hours, sometimes a day. Sometimes I feel good after that for weeks or months. But often, when I am in a phase, it goes way longer. Compared to what I had in puberty and without any medications, it's way bettet cuz I rarely am constantly thinking suicidal for days 24/7. And yeah I mean 24/7. I had phases in which I woke up, wanting to die, I were getting through the day - don't know how - thinking that I want to die, fell asleep wanting to die, sometimes even dreamt from killing myselfe. I was planning suicide, writing goodbye letters and testaments. Crying my eyes out, rarely, cuz I somehow lost the ability to truly cry on the way. I now barely can cry and if, it's over after one or two tears. Though I feel like I want to cry quite often, but I can't, it's just not working. Again when you're psychologist that may tell you something about me. But my therapists never got enlightened in any way when I told them about it. they barely got any kind of enlightenment. It always seemed like they're following the scientific way how to diagnose and treat the problems. But seems like the school book technics are not working on me. Surprise. And I don't think I'm special with that, just to clarify. I don't think I am special in any way. I'm not normal, neither am I special. What's left is nothing. Nothing is which suits me more often than anything else, especially lately. Yeah I feel like being nothing, worthless, unloved, unimportant and invisible. And if I'm not invisible, I'm annoying. Cuz ofcourse I am not all the time sitting in a corner sway back and forward. Probably I have still to much brain cells to do that hours or all day long. I'm still working, which I probably shouldn't. Especially because of the fact, that I am working with children again. But don't worrie, I can controll myselfe...most of the time, so that I don't scream at them too often. And am not grabbing children any more. To avoid that, I'm practicing myselfe in don't touching the children at all. What doesn't work always of course but which doesn't need to either. Hugging a child or having a child on the lap is pretty normal for an early childhood teacher. But I'm trying to don't take them by the hand too often or holding them by their arms. And if I took the arm of a child to pull them somewhere, I'm really aware about how strong I hold them. I'm nowadays am really careful not to grab them, just hold them, always trying to hold them as lightly as possible. Cuz only because I am fucked up, doesn't mean, I doesn't have to work on me, to don't be rough to the children. I wanted to become an early childhood teacher, cuz children made me happy, I wanted to be a better teacher as the one, I had in kindergarten. I wanted to prepare them for school, that they get through it strong. And I wanted to be there for them, when they have shitty parents. I never wanted to be rough, unfair or unfriendly with children. But newsflash. Even if you try fucking hard, you still have a higher risk to become violent against your children, when you have experienced violence in childhood than the ones, who have grown up without violence. And it seems like this doesn't stopp with just the own children. I doesn't have own children yet, don't know if I can even become pregnant (but a different story), I also doesn't have a partner, to become pregnant (also a different story) but I am aware, that when I have own children, the risk to hurt them physically is much higher and stressful situations are much more critical as in the work with children which are not your own, beeing cared for in a day care where you're not alone and where there is always the fear to make a mistake and another teacher sees it.
Well where were I originally, this wasn't what I wanted to write down. Anyway I at least can be proud on me, to say, that I am now can regulate my physical strength better and am not screaming and treating the kids the way I had in my worst times.
That never the less sounds like as if I'm a monster that shouldn't be close to any children.
Anyway, I originally wanted to write about how fucked up I am at the moment and that I am not so fucked up  just because of covid-19. It may plays a role in my mood, but I am actually kind a happy with the situation, that I only needs to work every other week and then only 4 hours a day and still getting at least a part of my normal salary. And when I work, I only need to look after 3 to 6 children. Quite cool isn't it? So why am I still so fucked up? Probably it's my brain. I'm pretty sure there's something fundamental damaged, which is neccessary to be a normal thinking and feeling person. Though I had already EEG and MRT without getting told, that there's a damage.
But you never know. Probably it's just invisible or something. And yeah I know I may sound crazy and that may be because I AM crazy. I'm sick, I wouldn't say anything different, though it's hard to accept it and I sometimes neeed to convince myselfe again and again, that I am sick. I over and over again need to convince me, that it is NOT possible to just fix me. Not from myselfe neither from someone else. Even less from someone else, though I am still waiting to being fixed from someone else. Because I was damaged from others, so I am waiting to being fixed from others. Makes sense doesn't it? But it's unfortunately not that easy. You haven't thought that, if I wouldn't have wrote it right? See how clever I am 😂 I'm good in telling people the obvious things and in the end I am the one who's standing there saying "Whaaat, really?" Anyway, I got inspired writing it, after I am really into reading at the moment, where people write sometimes pretty funny nonsens and through listening to Our last Night. Which I am listening way to much to lately. Because when you're sick like me, you can interpret your own missery into so many songs in that music genre. Well anyway, my mom's asking me to watch something "really funny" in TV. Yeah I am sooo excited. I'm over and over again am forgetting, that I am actually a grown woman, who has no need to follow the directions from my mom. Well still I am sick.

Depressions as the enemy into yourself

Depressions.
No one is talking about them until a celebrity is outing him or herself as being affected by it. Or more worse when they commit suicide.
Then it is for a short time in the medias and the people are talking about it.
But shortly after they lost interest again.
While there are so many people who are affected by depressions and are fighting every single day for their life. When "normal" People  are talking about having depressions, the reaction from the people around are much different as if a celebrity is talking about it.
The people are often not that interested or thinking, that you only want to have attention. Or they simply think you only have a depressive phase.
Because you are laughing, you are smiling, you seems to be as you always was. They don't get it.
And shortly after, they lost interest. Instead of being there for you, they sometimes even getting annoyed from you, when you are down and want to talk.
I think it's really difficult for them, to deal with such a topic. It's difficult, to know, how to react and at the same time they maybe think, that it is just one of the diseases that all people at this time have from time to time but don't think, that you are actually sick.
And when you kill yourself, they will all be like "I didn't know, that it is so bad, I didn't know, that it was serious. I thought it's just a phase" or other things.
That's the problem the depressive people are fighting with, beside the depression. As if this alone wouldn't be enough to bear with.
Of course there may be some people who saying they are depressed and they are actually just in a phase. But never the less, the other people should finaly start to take depressions as a serious illness and see it, as what it is. A life threatening disease.
You don't belive that? Well let me show you.
There's actually a long list of celebritys who comitted suicide because of depressions or the side effects of it.
Last victim of this disease was (so far I know) Chester Bennington. Singer from Linkin Park.

Other Peoples Naive Way of thinking

There are moments, where I feel really naive. But actually I don't understand why people say that relatively often to me. Because when I hear people on my travel speaking, I am thinking "What the fuck, you have fucking no Idea what live is like."
Like right now, where I'm sitting in a McDonald's and listening to three young girls next to me.
From two of them I didn't heard much, but from one, I heared at first something, that nearly let me explode. "I know so many people who studied with me and now only becomes a teacher I mean an early childhood teacher with the little children. I can't understand that. When am with children like that I get sick of them after five minutes and simply be exhausted" she did "Early childhood teacher" as if it is a low income job that is worthless. And I thought "well that you become so fast sick of them, don't really speaks for your personality princess".
I wasn't following the conversation for a while. When I start listening again, she said "I think even thirty is not really old. You know, you are in a better situation, you have money and can do whatever you want, you have more opportunities to travel likeI have now" that's out of the mouth from a nearly 21 years old Woman.
One Woman answered "If you work really hard yes." What told me, that she is not that naive, like the other girl. I mean, I don't know where she is from, but in Germany, you have a job with 30 have normally money for the rent and living and for a holiday trip once or twice a year. Longer trips are in the most jobs not possible. So actually, they have less possibilitys than the young people.
Actually I need to say, that sitting in the MC Donalds all the time, is kind of cool. You can buy food and drinks all the time, you have free wifi and you can watch many different people. And at least, you can have funny conversations. I had two of them in four hours I am already sitting here.
The first one, was with a man, who was playing a game on his mobile phone. He was talking to himselfe all the time. And then he asked me,if I knew the game and start showing and explaining it to me.
I don't know why he did it. Maybe he just wanted to share the game he love with others or wanted to talk. He wasn't drunk and didn't seemed to be on drugs. So I think it was just what he needed at that moment.
Later I got in a conversation with an older lady. She asked me after the time and explained that she needs to go to countdown to get her water because she can't drink the tap water from Auckland.
Then she asked me, if I am on Facebook and I told her, that I am writing a  blog. But she understood a book.
Well I didn't corrected that misunderstanding. She asked after the name and was really sweet, she said a few times, that she will search online for my book and hopes, that I can make it to publishing it.
Well I hope so too, but more I hope, that I can make it, to finish one 😂
So even when you are relaxing while your travel like me and walk every day the same street up and down and spend your money for mostly unhealthy food, if you leave your eyes and ears open, you can see and hear much.

The past follows you everywhere

I thought I am over the years I was bullyed by the girls in my class. But yesterday I was watching a movie with that Topic and at the end I was crying. It was a sad movie but not that sad, that it is a reason to break down in cry like I did.
I realized once again, that I have still problems, which I just push away and ignore. So that I don't need to deal with them.
In generall that is nothing bad. But there should be one time when you take your time for it and deal with it. I think I need to come over some of my Problems and "close" them.
Till now I don't really have an Idea how to make it.
I'll see.

Information about the blog

I am a young woman with Depressions. Beside of that, I got the Diagnose of having AD(H)D when I was 5 years old.
So I had lot of learning problems in School. I got medications against ADHD because of them I had really big problems in interacting with other people. So I was much alone.
There where some familiar problems also like physical and psycal abuse.
From 5. class for two years I was bullyed.
In the same time my parents get separated and the situation between me and my mom got difficult.
In class 7 I changed the class. I found friends and felt save. But I wasn't really happy. I didn't know that I have deep depressions. I started cutting myselfe.
2008 I became a vegetarian.
With 14 I was going in a psychiatrical klinik for one month and shortly after in an other for two and a half month.
After I had ambulant therapy for in complete two years. I finnished the School and made my Education to an early childhood teacher.
Now I am traveling around the world and try to write down my past and the pressent.
In this blog I want to write about me, my life, my past, my acutall situation and the future.
I hope this informations will help to understand, what I am writing about.
Everyone who don't want to read about the psycal life from a young woman, please feel free to leave again.

About fiction and reality

Like everywhere. Soner or later one topic between us girls in the meditation center were boys.
And as always it also was about stupid boys which you can find everywhere. Like you also can find stupid girls everywhere.
In this conversation it was also about, why we would like to have a boyfriend and we all had the opinion, that we want one, beside that it is natural, out of the wrong reasons.
One of my room mates and me find out, that we want to have a boyfriend nearly out of the same (in some way really sad) reason:
We want someone, who is there for us, who love us, like we are, who gives us the feeling to be save, who take care of us physicaly and psychicaly. To hug us, cuddle us and to really know us. To be there for us, if we feel bad and to be something like a "Save haven" in the always changing and crazy world and in the life that can get often really hard.
I don't know much about the past of this girl, who wants to have a boyfriend out of the same reasons as I want.
But for me I think all this things I would like to get from a boyfriend, are in complete more the thing, you normaly get from your parents.
Because my relation to both of my parents is not normal and I right now don't have a really good friend, I wish to fill this "hole" with a boyfriend.
The question I often asked me was "is it wrong to feel like that?" I think it shouldn't be the main reason to want to get a boyfriend. But is it maybe a secret wish in every woman?
Anyway here in the meditation center and also before in Nepal I realized once again, that I should concentrate to get really good friends, who also can give me that and I also realized, that I can get some of this things from animals. From my cats, who are at home now and waiting for me. :( And who hopefuly will still love me if I will return after 9 month traveling.
And also the sweet dog from Nepal gave me love and attention. And I gave her. And then we fall in love for each other :)
I realized once more, that animals are loving in an other way than humans. They don't ask how much money you have, what job or education you have, they don't care, if you are sometimes smelling. They don't ask about your past, they don't judge you. They are happy, when you are with them and take care of them. And this includes not only food. That an animal loves you, you don't need any food. You give love, attention and gentle touches and cuddles to them, and if they trust you, they will easily start loving you.
And I realized that I am in some way like these animals. What is really bad as a human.
Falling that easily in love is really bad, because you will get hurt automaticaly all the time, even if the other person don't want that.
To be so emotional is for me not always bad. I have a big heart and I am a little fighter. I have many dreams to make situations better and to help. And all started out of something, that touched my heart.
But in the daylie lifing with other humans it is really bad.
People who are important for me, can hurt me so easylie. One Sentence, one wrong word can be enough and I am free falling. Back in depressions, feeling worthless, useless, countless. Easylie the thoughts from the past get pressent again. I will cut me, I will die and I think I am not allowed to feel that good like I do.
When I am over it again, I am always angry about myselfe to get in a stupid psycal way of thinking like that. After I feel so stupid and like a looser.
A looser of the real life, that I am unable to handle. I am unable to handle emotions and feelings. I am unable to just feel normal. My feelings for someone are often becoming easily really intensive.
If I like a person as a friend, I can easily fall in love and also feel a really intensive friendship.
Then I can easily get hurt by one of that persons.
I realize that it is something with myselfe. Because I feel so easy unimportant and worthless. In this medicationcenter there are a lot of volunteers. And sometimes if they are all in a conversation and someone else take over the conversation with the person, I was talking to, I automaticaly feel worthless and if I am less interesting like everyone else.
I try to understand, that it is normal, to sometimes just listen to a conversation and don't be integrated in it. (Well I think it's normal?) I try to acept, that not everyone needs to like me and I don't need to like everyone. I try to understand, what the difference between friends and real friends is. I try to be like a normal person, but I don't know to do it. So it is really hard.